Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
