Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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