you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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