I can text with my tongue
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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