i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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