Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
