I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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