I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
