There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
