there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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