Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
