Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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