whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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