i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
