just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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