i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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