At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.