He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!