Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.