oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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