so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
