I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
