I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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