Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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