We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
did i just pee glitter
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
