i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
