So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
