Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
