You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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