Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
