splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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