i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
