don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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