do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
