dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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