you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
