shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
