Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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