I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
