You just made me feel so damn special
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
