I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
