I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
