i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
