he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
