So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
