found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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