I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
