I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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