Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
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He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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