just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is this like a preordered booty call?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
