I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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