my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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