I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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