I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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