I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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