I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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