so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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