so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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